Andrea lost her husband, Roy, in 2019 in Minnesota, where Death with Dignity is not yet legal. In his honor, she continues to advocate for this critical end-of-life option for herself, and all qualified patients who may desire it at the end of life.
A Lifetime of Love That Began with a Promise
When I met Roy in 1986, he told me he had already received a kidney transplant from his brother and that he probably wouldn’t live to be an old man. I didn’t care. I told him, “Five years with you is better than no years.”
Those five years turned into more than three decades together–filled with laughter, adventures, and a love that only deepened through the challenges life gave us. We raised a daughter, explored the Grand Canyon, and built a home full of care and curiosity.
Roy worked at the University of Minnesota Hospital, first in the biomedical department and later in IT. Everyone who knew him admired his kindness, patience, and sharp mind. He was the kind of man who never hesitated to help but hated asking for help himself. He had a gentle humor, the kind that could calm any storm–and a heart that made everyone around him feel seen.
Facing the End with Love and Courage
Roy’s second kidney transplant, generously donated by his niece, lasted six years. Eventually, though, his kidneys failed again, and his heart began to struggle. In April 2019, he went into the hospital and returned home a week and a half later enrolled into hospice care.
Those months were both heartbreaking and sacred. We talked about everything, making sure our finances were in order, ensuring I would be okay, saying everything that needed to be said. Even as his body grew weaker, Roy’s love remained strong. He worried more about me than himself.
But what I’ll never forget is how hard it was to see the man I loved lose control of his body and his independence. The hardest part wasn’t death itself, it was the loss of dignity before it, including him barely being able to whisper “No, hun,” as I had to do things like change his diaper. Watching someone so full of grace and intellect confined by a painful terminal illness is a pain that leaves a mark on your heart forever.
The Morning We Spoke About Death with Dignity
On the morning of June 24, 2019–his last day on Earth–I heard a thump through the baby monitor we kept in his room. I ran in and found Roy on the floor. He hadn’t spoken in days, but that morning, he was alert and talking, a “rally” as they call it in the medical field.
He told me he had tried to get up to use the bathroom. We talked for a long while, about life, about love, about all that we shared. Then I said to him, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we had Death with Dignity here in Minnesota?”
He said yes. He even knew the states where it was legal, and what it took for a patient to qualify. Even then, he was sharp, thoughtful, and so very Roy, cracking jokes when he could, even asking the nurse later, “Why am I wearing a damn belt?” That humor, that spark, that lucid dignity we had been grieving for weeks–it was all still there.
And then, later that evening, he was gone.
What Could Have Been Different
If Minnesota had a medical aid in dying law, our last memories together could have been different. I wouldn’t have had to watch the man I loved, the man who once hiked canyons and built computers with the same quiet focus, suffer in ways no one should.
Roy should have had all end-of-life options, including assisted-dying, available to him. He could have chosen the time and manner of his passing, with peace, control, and the same grace he carried through his entire life.
Roy believed, as I do, that Death with Dignity is not about giving up. It’s about giving dying people the freedom of choice, a final act of love, both for the dying and for those left behind.
Choosing Love, Choosing Dignity
Death with Dignity means having the right to decide how you leave this world when enduring a terminal illness. It means avoiding unnecessary suffering and allowing your loved ones to remember your final days not as a time of pain, but of peace.
For Roy, it would have meant one last shared moment of love and laughter, one last breath taken with dignity.
Now, I advocate for Death with Dignity not only for others but for myself. I want the same option if I ever face a terminal illness, with the ability to leave this world peacefully, with dignity and choice.
Share Your Experience
Stories like Roy’s move hearts, open minds, and help change laws. Every voice helps us move closer to a future where love and compassion guide how we say goodbye.
Death with Dignity is working to elevate the voices of folks in every jurisdiction around the U.S. Will you join us by sharing yours, too?
By sharing your experience, you can help ensure that more people have the choice to leave this world with dignity and love.
