By Peg Sandeen, Chief Executive Officer
What does it look like to plan your death with a group of your closest friends?
Last month, my friends and I got together to celebrate a “Death Party.” It was a typical Sunday brunch—good friends, snacks, ciders, mimosas, and lots of laughter. We sat around the kitchen table and talked about our kids, our jobs, the economy, and Portland’s spring weather.
What made this brunch different from previous ones, was that we mixed up the activity and the guest list. Each of us had three stacks of paper in front of us: an advance directive, a financial power of attorney form, and blank copies of simple wills. There were brochures about financial instruments, wills and estates, and advance care planning scattered all over the table. And, we invited a notary to join our party to formalize our documents when we were done.
“Death Parties” aren’t for people who are facing imminent death—they’re for anyone excited to plan their life.
Our party had a variety of ages present, and people in different stages of life. Aside from being close friends, our shared interest was that most of us hadn’t completed any of these end-of-life planning forms. As the CEO of Death with Dignity, I was pleased to attend, not because of my day job and advocacy in medical aid in dying, but rather as a guest at the event, sitting side-by-side with my friends to sort out our answers to difficult questions.
The party conversation got as deep and intimate as you might expect with close friends. We discussed who might be responsible for caring for our children if we die unexpectedly before they turn 18; we discussed pet care options. We examined different dimensions of establishing a financial power of attorney. We explored the complexity of our estates to determine whether we believed an attorney is needed to guide our decisions, or if simple boilerplate will samples would be enough.
Creating safe spaces for end of life conversations
We looked to each other—our community of close friends—to figure out some of the answers. I was able to share knowledge about advance directives and end-of-life options, and one of my friends works in a pensions department for a financial institution, so she was able to share many scenarios (good and bad) in her ten years working for the company. Together, we created a safe place to sort through health and financial-related scenarios.
Even though we share a lot of commonalities in our friend group, interestingly, many of us would make different choices. Some of us included detailed and specific instructions, and others placed a lot of trust in the agents we named as powers of attorney to make decisions on our behalf, should we become incapacitated.
While our end-of-life forms offered a structured and albeit different kind of party game, a lot of spontaneous conversations happened naturally too. We talked about where to store our advance directives and powers of attorney documents, and who should have copies (our physicians, family members, etc).
We shared different scenarios that raised questions for us to really think through our planning, and most of all, these scenarios weren’t scary, they were empowering.
We kept the notary busy all morning, and she laughed along with us. At the end of the party with the cider cooler empty and the pizza packed away, we all agreed that this was easier than we thought it would be.
And now, we’re planning a follow up party. We’re meeting sometime at the end of summer to work on our list of passwords and important accounts, and to be accountability buddies for those of us wanting to complete some of these documents with an attorney.
My friend Lisa, the host, knew this was a complete party success when the notary asked us if she could join us next time. “So much fun. This was a great way to work through documents important in our life!”
Living life to the fullest: Making plans to live and die
Planning your death is about planning your life—and it’s what you make of it. I decided to make the most of mine with my dearest friends, which involved safe and open conversations, laughter, support—with good food and drinks. Every day I think about what it means to live and die with dignity, and how to advocate and protect every person’s freedom to do so. The Death Party was a good reminder to my friends and I, to make sure we can do the same for ourselves and each other.
Want to host a Death Party with your friends and not sure where to start? Check out the Life File, our step-by-step guide to make the end of life planning easier, and stress-free. The Life File is a way to ensure your wishes are honored, and that your loved ones have the information they need to take care of your affairs when you die. Gather your closest friends, make space for meaningful conversations, and make a party out of planning your life, and death.